Selected Ruminations

While sitting at the table, the one in front of which I spend most of my waking hours, I am exploring my memories to find some memory in which I can deep dive momentarily. There is some old song playing in the background. I am not paying much attention to the music itself; though it helps in the exploration in my mind. The music helps in recharging the part of the brain which is good at mining the old memories. Not all music can help though, only those with which you can associate a time period of your past. 
Even though it is me who has begun the process of searching, it is not me who is guiding this search. I only start the process, the path it takes after that is out of my control. And most of the times, I am usually satisfied with the direction which the search takes up. The "mind host" (the involuntary me who is exploring the memories) starts serving the memories to my "brain eyes"(the conscious me who is acknowledging those memories). Imagine sitting in a room with a doppelganger of yourself with a tv on. The tv has all of your past memories and your doppelganger has the remote to this tv and keeps on switching channels unless you tell him to stop. You can sit back, relax and watch the show. You have the access to switch on or switch off the tv. You can decide on whether you want to see the show or not. If you don't like it, you can ask the doppelganger to change the show, which he will follow obediently. The identity of tv is intricately linked with the identity of the doppelganger. Either they both exist or both don't. One is incomplete without the other. Your conscious self is nothing more than a mere spectator. 

(I will denote the doppelganger as "doge" from here on for the sake of brevity)

I think my doge likes some shows more than the other. I sense some prejudice on his part for the shows which I have seen in the past. Doge's recommendation relies heavily on the way I react while watching the show. I am not sure if there is any other metric which he considers while suggesting me shows. Today, I am in a mood for something new, something refreshing. I let this known to doge by going over the first few memories served to me very quickly. Most of the times, I am able to predict the first few shows which the doge is going to serve. The first one is usually where I am running across the verandah to reach my neighbor's house. It's a bright morning, the soil looks more inviting than usual. I am young and filled with glee. The mood is festive and surrounding is joyful. There is some old music playing in the background, the signature of which is very similar to the one playing in present. I am not sure why I am running. I remember feeling uncontrollable excitement while I was running. This memory shows a "me" which I can no longer recognize. But it gives me immense satisfaction knowing that it is indeed me. The doge realizes this too. 

Another show which the doge keeps showing me is of me sitting beside a window and watching intently the paper boat which I had just threw out of the window. And to my past self's surprise it had landed perfectly and started floating. It's raining heavily and I am in my school uniform making paper boats. There was a notice from the school officials few minutes before that the school will remain closed today due to heavy rains. While the present me watches the 8 year old me sitting joyously, I am not able to figure out the exact reason for the joy. Was it because of the unexpected holiday or because of the paper boat falling gracefully on the pool of water collected in our backyard? Maybe the doge knows. It's difficult to say for sure, my threshold for gleefulness was very low in my childhood. I would reckon that constructing a proper paper boat would have been a good enough reason for me to declare my day as successful back then. Now, that can't be achieved even with a thousand paper boats. 

to be continued...